Title: V/H/S ’99
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Director: Flying Lotus, Maggie Levin, Tyler MacIntyre, Johannes Roberts, Joseph Winter, Vanessa Winter
Starring: Jesse LaTourette, Melanie Stone, Keanush Tafreshi
Runtime: 1h 49 mins

What It Is: In the continuation of the V/H/S anthology analog horror series, ’99 takes place in the titular year, featuring segments about rock n’ roll killer poltergeists, a new gorgeous neighbor with a devious nature, a twisted kid’s game show gone strange, a sorority’s dangerous hazing ritual, and a duo of filmmakers who film a demon-summoning ritual at the turn of the century who find themselves involuntarily taking part and being sent to Hell.

What We Think: A killer shame. All I can do is point my finger. I can’t even dissern the segments anymore as the issues with one blends into the next. I don’t know if it’s primarily the fault of the writers, producers, or whoever is curating these anthologies, but every short and film collectively have the same dumb problems that make them absolutely drab to watch. And it’s a shame. The singularity-ness and lack of ingenuity takes away from the benefit of having an anthology in the first place. In most anthologies, like V/H/S predecessors, AHS, Cabinet of Curiosities, The Twilight Zone, or ABCs of Death, you’re likely to find at least one short or segment that you like with a direction and story that can make an impact. Anthologies are meant to provide a variety of styles and stories based on a unifying theme or over arching narrative as to better appeal to a range of audiences, or at least, to an audience’s tastes. In this regard, V/H/S as a series has only gotten worse. I had to struggle to remember which segment was which and how many there were as they had more in common than not, which is not only incredibly boring, but a very bad thing considering literally all of the five overdrawn segments shared the same exact issues. Which, looking at the bright side, saves me from having to spend more time talking about the film and going through them individually, I can just lump them all together in what I found wrong with them and why I really kind of hated watching this movie.

Firstly, what is this movie good for? Well, say you’re throwing a nice little Halloween party. This would be nice to have in the background, with the series’ notorious “VHS” aesthetic cheaply in tow. You have some blood, guts, and monsters. It’s cheesy, but colorful and edited enough to look like there’s something going on at face value. Turn the movie on low, you have some ambiance. Otherwise, every short is unfortunately pretty bad, if not bordering on being redundant pieces of shit.

Yes, I’m being mean, because I’m mad. They take the same story formula and repeat, reuse, recycle. It was obvious enough in V/H/S 94, but at least the setups felt a bit more original, not to mention it felt shorter, had less segments, and Ratma. Here, every segment is a re-hash of something that’s already been done, riding on the gimmick of them taking place in the 90s, which wasn’t even delivered well in that the editing, filters, and filming on digital cameras are gratingly obvious and even inconsistent. It feels borderline pretentious, if not extremely amateur considering how much viewership and production goes into these movies. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for a lot of movies to pull off the 90s or 2000s period aesthetic authentically–we have Harmony Korine who used a variety of old, cheap cameras in his heyday to commit to the camcorder look, and then we have films as recent as mid90s who pull off the period flawlessly. Even V/H/S 94 did this better–so I have no idea what the excuse is other than trying to reel these segments out as fast as possible for tax write-offs or something, because a lot of it just felt narratively slapped together and technically sloppy.

Every segment was super boring, copy/pasting the same story structure where there’s a setup–a spooky place, ritual, or new person (likely a hot woman), and surprise–it’s a demon or a ghost creature thing. The segment “Gawkers” literally reminded of the segment “Amateur Night” from the first installment concerning spying on a hot unsuspecting woman only for her to reveal herself as (specifically) a deadly mythological creature. I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes. The segment “Suicide Bid” follows the same setup and payoff, but at least it features some legitimately creepy concepts in a fun way, though the setup is drab and it ends anticlimactically. I was super let down by the segment that should have been my favorite, directed by THE Flying Lotus, called “Ozzy’s Dungeon,” but even that segment had an overdrawn setup and a predictable, deescalating payoff. The best segment they (the editors/producers…?) of course knowingly saved best for last: “To Hell and Back,” with a drab, nonsensical, and silly setup, but actually commits to the silliness with good humor, better performances, a more imaginative setting, and more enjoyable characterization, though I’m not sure I would have liked this short as much had it not been in the context of being in this film, and being better or good just by comparison.

Our Grade: D-, I had to go back to the V/H/S 94 review just to make sure it had a higher rating than this. While every 30mins or so I found a glimmer of something, whether a moment, design choice, or image that felt elevated and could indicate this film getting better and at least more entertaining, I’m sad to say it never really did. The last segment was the best one to leave us with, but still leaves any horror fan thirsting for a good fun found footage series feeling drier and more withered than before. I felt tired after watching this movie, but not the kind of tired you feel after watching something intense or captivating–just plain disappointed and sleepy. I struggled to stay awake, nonetheless, pay attention. Messy, immature, and bland, I really can’t recommend 99 to anyone, other than the segment “To Hell and Back,” which as an added note, doesn’t even really feel like it belongs in V/H/S 99.