My name is Phoenix, and I’m a Film Snob.

In this here, picture, you have the stunning, Halle Berry. A gorgeous woman turned ugly, thanks to the film, Catwoman. Directed by Pitof, it was his first “major motion picture”…as you can see, he fucked that up majorly. If you didn’t see Catwoman, then congratulations….you just kept 5 years of your life. Smoke a pack of celebratory cigarettes, and you will still live longer than if you had watched Catwoman.

I was dragged into it by my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend…don’t be surprised if this decision made me change my feelings for her). Yes, I still hate her guts for it…that bitch! How many times i’ve walked into a film with high expectations, then walked out with the utter shame of falling for the trickery of cinema trailer and marketing magic…if I started counting, i’d need bread crumbs to find my way back home.

This quick review isn’t to tell you stories of relationships and bad decisions made in the past, but to explore my feelings and thoughts of the film, in an uncensored way. It’s the only way I know how to review something, and that is with profanity and a touch of humor….maybe just a smidgeon.

Catwoman was fronted by the wonderfully talented, Halle Berry. The antagonist, Sharon Stone. And Benjamin Bratt playing, “Detective Tom Lone.” Yes, you have star-power. Really, all they needed was Berry and people should’ve flocked to the movie, but to no avail, there was always a seat in the theatre.

While the film barely even hinted at a Batman reference, it didn’t even hint at showing any TALENT. You know, that thing that makes great films, great films? It’s a combination of fresh scripts, delicious directing, ripe plots and a dash of ground acting! Either all the ingredients in this film were left in the backseat of the car or mixed by a 3rd grader trying to impress his totally sexy teacher (hey, i was once that kid). If neither, then it may have been both.

Sharon Stone looked as though she was going to break in half at any second, Halle Berry looked like she just didn’t know what she was doing and Benjamin Bratt kinda stood there and said things. It was like watching a geek lose his virginity (“Where is this going?”) and Benjamin Bratt was in the corner giving him tips.

The direction was spotty as hell, many times, I didn’t know where everything was going. And the ending, i’m not sure I could pay attention to, due to the shock I had just witnessed.At just shy of 2 hours, it seemed like my life was going in slow motion…my life flashing before my eyes. And the pizza we put in the oven during the movie….delicious.What did I say when the movie ended? “What a piece of shit….”What did she say when the movie ended? “I thought it was good!”

….says the girl who owns “Date Movie” and watches it almost regularly.

Even if you are a cat person, or even a legitimate “catperson” – Catwoman is UNACCEPTABLE

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