Review: Artemis Fowl

Title: Artemis Fowl
MPAA Rating: PG
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Starring: Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad
Runtime: 1 hr 35 mins

What It Is: A young criminal prodigy named Artemis Fowl (Shaw) is trying to investigate what could’ve happened to his missing father also named Artemis Fowl (Colin Farrell). All signs point to a secret society of fairies (yes you read the right). Now Artemis must use his sleuth skills in order to solve this perplexing mystery. Based on the novel of the same name by Eoin Colfer.

What We Think: You ever fell asleep in a film? What about doing that on three separate occasions? Yeah, that’s what happened to me during this film. In three different sections, the film had to be stopped because I fell asleep. This script is so damn boring. None of the performances are any good. Like honestly why even bother putting up with the terrible levels of filmmaking the normally okay Branagh doles out here. This poor kid in this. Child actors already have it pretty tough. I mean you’re a kid who doesn’t even know who you are yourself but you have to portray another entity. Having said that it’s clear this poor kid had nothing to work with.

Our Grade: D-, If this is the level of straight hot garbage that Disney+ is going to bring with it original releases then by all means count me out! I’m not going to do this again. Let’s hope the Mulan remake isn’t nearly as…boring and terrible. As for this I cannot and will not recommend this film. I promised myself I would not make a joke comparing this film to the stench it leaves and as a man of my word, I’ll say nothing further about this disaster of a film. Wasted potential indeed, given the source.

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