Review: How to Get Girls

Title: How to Get Girls
Rating: NR
Director: Zach Fox, Omri Dorani
Starring: Meghan Roberts, Chris Elliott, Kate Flannery
Runtime: 1 hr 33 mins

What It Is: Two best friends Zach and Ben (Fox, Dorani) reunite in high school after Ben moved away with his father to Antartica when they were kids. Blown away by his friend’s transformation from an obese child to a quiet and polite hunk, Zach uses Ben’s looks to try and get them into parties to hook up with girls, while Ben just wants to fulfill their childhood dream of going to Comic-Con and meeting Stan Lee.

What We Think: You know what has me blown away? This movie. One minute into watching, this flick bombards you with obnoxiously raunchy and juvenile humor that fails so badly, I need an aspirin. It feels like I just watched someone fall hard onto their face repeatedly for an hour and a half. From young boys being caught masturbating to bad tentacle porn, to a frequent gag that Zach is mistaken for wanting to have sex with his sister, to the forced performances and juvenile delivery, to offensive and tired “jokes,” this is the most nightmarish high school movie I have ever seen. It’s like Mean Girls 2 wanted to be Superbad. It’s like a Smosh movie—only worse. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities, all of the characters are either bland or utterly detestable psycho-perverts, and the story is all over the place. Grating subplots go nowhere and it takes all the easy shots that you’ve seen in every other bad (high school/college) movie you’ve seen. I was not only incredibly bored, but was also made uncomfortable by how unnecessarily often it jumps at every chance to make jokes about stereotypical characters, incest, rape, pedophilia, and ethnicity (i.e. a doltish Irish character and potato jokes: how original). And I’m not saying it’s an actual bad thing to make jokes about this kind of stuff—it’s simply out of all of the jokes and gags they force, to which there are many, none are at all funny. NONE.

Our Grade: F-, I cannot recommend not watching this film enough. It is 360 degrees of terrible. The tropes are ridden so hard here I feel like I have whiplash. And I know making movies is incredibly difficult—at least here I can read there being effort put into it, and I apologize to its creators and everyone involved with this for me downgrading any work that they’ve done, I really am sorry—but this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. All the movies I’ve ever disliked and the lowest films I’ve ever rated don’t compare to how this movie makes me feel. As bad as Animalistic, Dead Love, Unleashed Love, and Danni were, none have made me so bored and even angry at having to watch them. Flat, annoying, and tasteless, this has me wondering How I’m Going to Recover. 

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Chai Simone Written by: